


The Power of Guilt

by Gothic_Fairy



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: A spell that made Alec attempt suicide, Alec thinks he is going to break up with him, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, Fluff, Guilt, M/M, Magnus wants to talk to Alec, Post Episode 08, Season 2 Episode 08, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-22
Packaged: 2018-10-05 16:23:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10312283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gothic_Fairy/pseuds/Gothic_Fairy
Summary: Magnus realized that it was the spell that made Alec jump off of that ledge. But he also knew that spells cannot simply create feelings. They can only take what's already hidden in someone's mind, twist it and turn it, until there's a new reality born. Therefore he knows that a part of Alec truly believed death was the only optioned after Jocelyn died. He knew his dear Alec carried the blame on his shoulders and he was afraid that one day, it would be too much for him to take. He himself was used to have that kind of feelings and he doesn't want Alec to not come back home one day. That's why he decides to talk to him about it. As someone who can understand him and help with bearing such a burden.





	1. Chapter 1

They were standing near the edge of Magnus’ balcony-turned-terrace, watching the last bits of daylight disappear in the night wind. The stars started shining a little while ago, but the dark still hasn’t come to meet them. As if even the night itself was bathing in the warmth of a late summer evening. Maybe if they closed their eyes and listened carefully, they’d be able to hear its mournful melody sounding in their ears. As if the darkness didn’t want the day to go, to leave it alone again.

With the corner of his eye, Alec could see that one of Magnus’ hands was resting on the top of the concrete railing, his shoulder only a few centimeters from Alec’s. If he moved just a tiny bit, if he reached with his fingertips, their arms would brush against each other. He’d be able to take Magnus’ hand into his own, entwine their fingers, hold on.

After that he’d might even go further. Wrap his arms around Magnus’ waist, press their chest together so their heartbeats would melt into each other. Hide his face in the crook of the warlock’s neck, leave a kiss behind his ear, feel the stubble on his jaw.

But he haven’t done any of it. Instead he just stood there, thinking about stupid ‘what-if’s, unable to look away from the darkening sky. They’ve already spent good half an hour, waiting for the other one to say something, while pretending to be watching the sunset.

It’s been a few days since the party that was supposed to be a celebration of Max’s Rune Ceremony. Saying that things didn’t work out as planned would be an understatement.

But Alec could tell that something else was bothering Magnus. When the warlock called him earlier in the morning to ask if he’d be able to stop by that day, things were.. strange. Magnus had been too stiff, no traces of joyful playfulness in his voice. And to be honest with you, it kinda scared Alec. It’s not like he had countless of relationships before, not like he actually knew what he was doing. Did he do something wrong? Was Magnus mad because of the party? Or was he simply tired of Alec?

He had spent the whole day worrying about the meeting they set up. Unfocused and exhausted he had almost messed up some reports as well as he unintentionally ran into some (a lot of) people walking around the Institute.

But he really didn’t expect such a silence occur when he finally stepped inside the loft. A part of him thought that even a fight full of shouting was better that this.

“I.. I understand..” Alec managed to stutter after another long minutes of being silent. He didn’t really know how break-ups work, but this must be it, right? Magnus tried to see how things went with the two of them and in the end decided it wasn’t worth it. That he wasn’t worth it. And as much as the thought hurt him, he had no strength left to fight. He was tired of fighting.

The last couple of day were the worst of his whole life. He had killed Jocelyn, even if it was a demon inside of him. They were his hands that made her bleed and die. It was his fault. And he couldn’t even look into the mirror at himself. He felt like he’ll never be able to.

What happened at the party was just the tip of the iceberg.

The guilt he felt was slowly swallowing his soul, taking his sanity. But it all disappeared, when he was with Magnus. He trusted that the words he spoke were true. That Clary forgave him, didn’t blame him, hate him, wanted him to die as well. But when he was alone, it all came back like an wave of pain. He kept screaming inside just to muffle the voices in his head.

‘It’s all your fault.’ is what they said, ‘It should’ve been you who died.’

And when the spell made him listen to those words coming from Clary’s mouth, he broke. He had no reason to keep fighting, to keep pretending. He just wanted it all to stop. If she wanted him dead, then maybe it was the only way for the both of them. And so he jumped.

When he woke up to see Magnus, Clary and the others around him, the terror in their eyes, he felt guilty even more. After waking up, he realized that killing himself wasn’t going to solve anything and he felt ashamed of even trying. He couldn’t look into their eyes.

But no one brought it up. And he felt relieved. Izzy talked to him as usual, only a few worried stares gave away how much she wanted him to say something. He was sure that she would at least try to understand, to help him. But he just couldn’t make himself talk. To her, to anyone.

And when he came to see how messed he was, he wondered why Magnus even stayed at his side. The door has always been open for him to leave if he ever wanted to, but he never did. Perhaps, this was the day he’d finally take that path. Walk away and shut the door. Alec didn’t know how was he going to handle such a thing. He didn’t think he’d be able to heal form a broken heart like Izzy always does. He thought he would be able to die simply from the heartbreak he felt standing there next to Magnus. His legs were already giving up.

“I’ll understand.. “ he began once more. “.. if you want me to go. I get it if.. I’m too much to take..” Even as those words left his mouth, he felt himself trembling, his voice breaking. He could feel Magnus turn around to face him, but he was still looking at the now fully shining moon, and there was a hand that came o cup his forearm.

“Alec..” Magnus’ tone was somehow confused, as if he didn’t understand what he meant, but Alec didn’t really pay attention to that. His hands were full of work just by trying to calm his shaky breath.

“It’s okay...” he continued. His fingers scraping the top of the railing as he clenched his fists. Even though he hated to admit it, there were tears swelling in his eyes.

“No..” Magnus spoke up again, when he saw his always composed shadowhunter break into million pieces right in front of his eyes. “Alexander, look at me.”

But Alec couldn’t bring himself to do so. He couldn’t face Magnus. Not now. His heart wouldn’t take it. But there were hand on each side of his face, turning him to look down into the eyes of the man he loved. What this the last time? Was this a goodbye?

“Alec..” Magnus called his name again, panic in his gaze. He was frowning, going over Alec’s words once more, trying to understand what he was talking about, what they meant.. And suddenly, something clicked. His eyes oped wide when he realized the truth behind those words.

“Oh my Alec, I never.. That’s not what I meant when I wanted to talk.. I’m so sorry.”

When Alec heard that, he stared at Magnus in shock as well. He couldn’t believe his own ears. He’d already prepared himself for Magnus breaking up with him, that now he wasn’t able to process everything.

“You’re.. not breaking up with me?” He asked, stunned. The desperation holding him tight just a couple of seconds before was now gone, he was breathing freely again.

“No.. I wouldn’t even think about it. I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize that you might have understand my words like that..” He replied as he lowered his hands form Alec’s cheeks to his neck and brought him closer to press their foreheads together. Their eyes were locked tightly, both of them a mix of shock and relieve. “Don’t you ever scare me like that again, darling.”

The nickname only slipped from between Magnus’ lips and for a second he held his breath, worrying that maybe it was too soon for such a thing. Maybe Alec didn’t even liked it.

But all of his fears were swept away as Alec’s face lit up with a smile so bright he shone through the darkness around them. It felt like he’s never seen Alec with such a happy expression. There were still the remains of tears in his eyes and his whole face was burning red from someone calling him with such an intimate name.

And he did what he wanted to do from the moment he came here. He gently brought his hands up and around Magnus, still too inexperienced to look graceful while doing so, and after a quick look at Magnus’ smiling lips, he leaned forward and caught them in between his own. Thy were so close their noses smashed together and it wasn’t elegant or perfect, but it was everything Alec wished for right then and there. Just to hold Magnus in his arms and forget himself in the soft sounds their lips made as they moved in one sync.

They needed to sort some thing out - Alec still didn’t even know what Magnus wanted to talk to him about after all -, but it could wait for a while. They would face it eventually but for now a long night of slow kisses felt like the best thing to do.

Magnus was here and that was the only thing that mattered to him.


	2. Chapter 2

Alec felt like he could sleep forever. He was lying on a sofa, wrapped in a soft blanket. His head was propped up on a fluffy pillow and there was a little bit of sunlight shining behind his closed eyes. He could smell fresh coffee in the air, which startled him for a second, recalling all the times Izzy tried and failed at making him breakfast to bed. But then he remembered who’s sofa was he lying on.

Magnus.

Just a simple thought of that man made him smile, replaying all the moments they spent together last night. Alec was glad that he could finally find a few hours for the two of them. They talked, they laughed, they kissed. It was time when he didn’t have to think about anything but the way his heart fluttered when Magnus’ hand tangled in his hair or the familiar scent of Magnus’ cologne as he pressed against his side. Or the sweet words Magnus whispered when he thought Alec was already asleep.

Alec could hear himself sigh as he realized the lack of his warlock’s presence next to him. There was some noise coming from somewhere in the loft, kitchen most likely, and he found himself standing up without another thought.

With his eyes still half-closed, he almost tripped over one of the cats Magnus let walk around, earning a mad glare as it curled up on itself even more. Not that Alec actually noticed. His whole attention was stolen by the man in front of him.

Magnus was wearing only a thin silky dressing gown, burgundy red, Alec’s mind added. He could clearly remember the time Magnus tried to explain to him the difference between burgundy and maroon, which eventually ended up only as a excuse for Alec to take the robe off and kiss him again.

Even though Alec would never admit it, he came to love the way Magnus’ sun-kissed skin shone through the sheer material as well as the visible curve of his hips when he moved around the kitchen. Toasts and eggs were being piled up onto two plates, a cup of freshly made coffee accompanying each of them.

It was truly a sight to behold and the domesticity of it sparked a warm feeling inside of his chest, despite his bare torso. Magnus must have rid him of his shirt sometime during the night with him not even being aware of it. He didn’t complain though.

And as much as he loved to observe the scene before him, his body moved somehow on its own. Coming behind Magnus, pressing his chest onto Magnus’ back, his hands curling over the sharp hipbones, his chin resting on a shoulder, leaving a kiss.

“Good morning, Alexander, my darling.” Magnus spoke up, a soft chuckle bubbling in his lungs.

“Morning.” Alec replied, words muffled as he buried his face behind Magnus’ ear and inhaled the heavy scent. It was a mixture that belonged purely to Magnus and Alec felt high just by breathing it in. He would never get enough.

“Slept well?” Magnus continued as he untangled himself from Alec’s grip, leading him to sit by the table. It was only a rhetorical question, without the need of a reply, and they looked into each others eyes, laughing. They both knew they’d had much better things to do last night than sleep.

“Depends on who’s asking.” Alec joked back as they ate, stealing quick glances over the table. It was pleasant and quiet, the exact opposite of the life in the Institute. And for a moment he just sat there and enjoyed the peaceful silence.

“I was thinking, we could watch a movie now?” The warlock turned his gaze on Alec after they finished eating. “I mean, since you don’t have any missions today, we could just relax and enjoy ourselves for a bit more.”

Alec knew there was something else behind Magnus’ words and, suddenly, he remembered the real reason he came here yesterday evening. Magnus wanted to talk to him about something and, judging by the seriousness in Magnus’ eyes, Alec wasn’t really going to like it.

“Sure.” He said anyway.

 

They ended up curled up on the sofa again, Alec almost lying on top of the warlock, his head on Magnus’ chest and one of his hands thrown over his torso as well. He was using him as a giant teddy bear and he loved every second of it. Not many people knew how cuddly he really was, not even Izzy, but in times like this, he let himself go and enjoyed the closeness.

He was about to go back to sleep when Magnus finally spoke up.

“We need to talk about something.” His voice pierced through the sweet fog surrounding Alec’s mind and he sat a bit straighter, leaving their limbs entwined but also looking into Magnus’ eyes.

“Yeah, I figured that much.” He tried to sound reasonable but the truth was, he was worried. He already knew Magnus wasn’t going to break up with him, the awkward evening still making him cringe. But what else was so important that it would make Magnus look at him like that? Like he was afraid Alec might fall apart in his hands?

“I wanted to talk about the party.” He said after a deep breath.

“The party?” Just this? Besides the dreadful ending, there wasn’t much to talk about. At least that’s what Alec thought.

“Yes, the party. It’s not like we haven’t talked about it already, but there was something else.. Do you remember when you were under that spell?”

Oh yeah, Alec remembered it a bit too well for his own liking. Was this the reason no one bothered him about the incident? They thought he didn’t remember? It felt strange but maybe that was really the case. He knew Magnus had used another spell on him, putting him into deep sleep, before he had the chance to actually fall. Maybe they thought he only recalled being captured in the spell but no details about it. He haven’t said a thing, so they just assumed he didn’t remember.

And a part of him was quite grateful for this fortunate coincidence but another part realized that Magnus somehow knew more that the others. And wouldn’t let it slide so easily.

He slowly nodded.

There was even a deeper worry in Magnus’ eyes this time. But there was also anger, pure but empty. He wasn’t angry at Alec though. More of at himself for not being able to protect the one that mattered so much to him. He had more than a slight idea of what Alec must have seen and heard that night. It wasn’t long after Jocelyn’s funeral and he knew the dark-haired shadowhunter still carried his guilt. Even when no one blamed him, just Alec himself.

“And do you know what happened after that?” He asked another question, his hand on Alec’s cheek never letting him break their locked eyes.

“Yes.” It was merely a whisper, his lungs struggling to force that word out of his mouth.

“Alexander..” Magnus breathed out heavily, signing but not in relief. He brought Alec closer by the nape of his neck, their noses slightly brushing each other, as he looked deeper into his eyes.

“It was the spell, right?” Alec turned his head away as if he wasn’t able to stand that gaze. “It’s just..”

“Spells cannot create emotions, Alec. They just take what’s already there, sometimes even the things you aren’t able to realize yourself. Yes, they can mess up with your head, but in the end all the feelings are yours..”

Alec knew that. He was sure he wouldn’t something like that in real life, most likely because Clary didn’t actually blame and hate him, but under those circumstances, he just snapped. It was all too much for him to take and he gave up.

“I just.. couldn’t stand it anymore..” He said, his voice almost too weak for Magnus to hear him.

“I know.. But nothing was as devastating as seeing you standing on that ledge. I thought I was too late, that I lost you. If I didn’t have my magic, we might have never be able to sit here like this. I might have never hold you again, never kiss you, love you. In that moment.. ” Alec could hear Magnus’ voice break as tears swelled in his eyes. “I was never more scared in my whole life.”

That’s when Alec finally lifted his head again. A second ago he feared that Magnus might be mad at him and was very surprised to hear him say such a thing.

“I’ve been there too, you know.. Standing on the ledge more than once. We might have different reasons for it but I want you to know that I’ve been through something similar and I know how it feels. Just.. promise you’ll tell me if things ever get that bad.”

“I will.”Alec said without hesitation. “Now, I know that I wouldn’t do it again. Ever.”

He came closer again and let their lips connect in a tender kiss.

“I don’t think I can ever get that image out of my head though.” Magnus spoke up after a while. His eyes clear again, the words said with a sort of sad smile, his eyes traveling over every inch of Alec’s skin.

“I’m sorry.” Alec told him, their faces still close. “I’m here now and I won’t go.”

And in a way Magnus believed he wouldn’t go. At least for now, his Alec was safe, lying next to him. He just hoped they’d be able to stay like this. Forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm sorry I didn't post this sooner but I had some problems with my Internet connection these past few days so I wasn't really able to log in.  
> Anyway, let me know if you liked it. I would totally love to write more Malec fics in the future so if you have any kind of idea or a certain scene or a prompt you'd like me to write, feel free to leave a comment or send me a message :).
> 
> You can also find me on [Tumblr](https://gothic--fairy.tumblr.com/) ^^.  
> 


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